i love you

11pm. I drank to much coffee. My whole body is shaking. Urrrr….Ggzzzzh. Dididit…

I have no idea what the hell to do my life.

I used to interrupt critiquing myself in the mirror by asking: “when will you ever be good enough?” Then I might cry or just feel eternally trapped for a few moments. Right now I can’t even get myself together to judge myself. I want so badly lately to feel like I need to be something or be accepted by someone. There are little spills of loving someone deeply and wanting things to be more pleasant for them, but overall I just feel like busy nothingness or not-busy nothingness. I want me. Why can’t I have me? I want someone else. Why can’t I have someone else?

The lack of foreknowledge and planning makes this whole thing appear haphazard, but I also sense a pattern…it just can’t be deciphered…maybe…or maybe its just jargled chtonknarg. One thing is for sure, damn’t: Personne and Nadié won’t stop sending me memos in alien scripts.

I get so frustrated with this communicating thing, I just want to draw circles everywhere and then break them. And then, much later, run around screaming and cutting myself with all the perfectly round soft pieces of straight lines. And then, but at the same time, be very quiet and very alone forever.

Have I mentioned lately how desperately I would like to be held, cared for, and accepted by someone?

So, getting back on track, I have been telling people in Paris that I plan to become a diplomat. Although, quite honestly, I think if I tried to tell them in French everything I just wrote in English, they would be convinced that I was confused and I wasn’t actually meaning to say what I was saying. (That last sentence would be so much cooler if English had a real subjunctive---Anglos are so lame…I am like totally going to only write in Spanish and French when I get big). They’ll see one day though…I’m going to make such a mess of French that the structure breaks down completely and we all get to see God naked and spread.

Trip7 @ Flipnotics…8pm Sunday January 14th (2 days after I get home)! Plus, it’s FREE for those who don’t give cash love offerings to the band and don’t feel guilty about not buying anything from Flip’s!